


The Future is Brighter than any Flashback

by SilvertonguedClotpole



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x15 compliant, Angst, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Bobby is Everyone's Dad, Canon Compliant, Chris & Buck fluff, Chris you sweetheart I love you, Do Not Share To Another Site, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Tsunami (9-1-1), Protective Firefam, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Set after 'Eddie Begins', Silver Star, Worried Firefam, do not copy to another site, guilty use of Finding Nemo quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:42:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23862496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilvertonguedClotpole/pseuds/SilvertonguedClotpole
Summary: "No dramatics" Bobby had made them promise- this would be a perfectly happy and fun BBQ that the entire crew was in desperate need of- and so, of course, something had to go and happen, right?! How could a simple handmade 'gift from the heart' from Chris end with Buck spiraling in Bobby's arms in the middle of Athena's back yard?  With memories and insecurities that he had hidden away drowning him like the tsunami had tried to and the weight of losing Chris, and nearly Maddie, and Eddie finally taking its toll.
Comments: 25
Kudos: 239
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	The Future is Brighter than any Flashback

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a simple little exchange between Chris and Buck that I thought of suddenly, and ended in me spiraling into Buck spiraling into a panic attack and flashback. Oops. Disclaimers and excuses at the end; I don't want to spoil anything.  
> No beta all mistakes my own. Please be cautious of the usual warnings of panic attacks and the flashbacks including depictions of the tsunami- for anyone with drowning/water triggers. Hope you enjoy.

“Ok! Who’s taken all the mini pizzas?” Chim walked away from the buffet table with a look disappointment on his face before turning to the younger member of the group. “I know it was you Buckley!”

Said _Buckley_ put a hand to his chest in mock distress. “Chim? I’m hurt! As if you’d come into my house and accuse me of these things?”

“This is my house Buckaroo!” Athena played back with some slight confusion, an air of fondness lacing its way in.

Chim shot back less than a second later. “Yeah, but he is practically yours and Bobby's third kid and spent a lot of time here during his PT, so I guess the little guy’s not far off.” 

The group laughed at Buck’s astonished face as he looked around them all, waiting for someone to defend him.

No-one did.

“So Buckaroo. About those mini pizzas?” Chim re-enquired.

“I think, _Howard_ , if you look to your left, toward that loving partner of yours, you’ll find the answer. And I’ll pretend not to be offended I was your first assumption. Don’t worry, I forgive you.”

Maddie scoffed, hiding her guilty laugh around a shocked face at her brother ratting her out like that. Her plate only had 4 of the pizzas in question on but given the pack only contained 6 anyway, and were brought by Chim _“and only for Chim”_ , there was no way she was getting out of this one.

Chim shrugged. “Alright. I’ll let her have this one.” The man smiled and kissed his partner as he robbed her of one of the pizzas.

Buck admonished! “If that had been me, you’d make me go to the damn store to buy you more! This isn’t fair.”

Hen cracked up laughing, trying to speak through her fits of giggles that had her bent double and slapping Karen's knee. “Oh!...Oh my god. He’s-he’s actually.... he’s actually pouting like a 5 year old. He looks like a damn kicked puppy.” She broke off again as Karen took her drink away so she wouldn’t spill any.

The whole team had the weekend off and given the week they’d all just had they deserved some rest and recuperation. Eddie had been given the all clear and had recovered from his ordeal with multiple pairs of eyes hovering and watching his every move. He yet had to return to work but had still found himself hovering at the station between taxiing Chris to and from school. Bobby decided it had been too long since they’d had a family BBQ and planned a get together for the Saturday evening, giving the team a good day to sleep off the events. He’d also made everyone (looking at _you_ Buck) promise there’d be no dramatics involved, that they would have a calm and fun evening. So far, so good. Apart from the usual theatrics that came with Bobby's firehouse _children_.

“Alright, calm down. We’ve got plenty of bread buns and ingredients, we’ll make our own mini pizzas, alright Chim?!” Bobby entered the room with a tray full of freshly grilled meats and giving his best 'serious dad' vibe as if he were dealing with Harry and Denny rather than a full grown man.

Karen looked from their pizza-less friend to the garden beyond where Bobby had just come from. “The kids are pretty quiet. They haven’t murdered each other have they?”

Athena laughed but it was Eddie who answered. “It’s because Buck’s in here with us, it’s no fun when the biggest kid of all isn’t around.” He scrunched his nose up in Buck’s direction to add to the jibe as the younger man took in another shocked gasp.

“What if I like hanging with them because they don’t bully me like you all do!”

“Maybe we should stop guys...” Chim began in a serious tone. “...we don’t want him to sue us again.”

The group waited a second, hoping the jest wasn’t a step too far, but burst into laughter a moment later. Even Buck joined.

They fell into comfortable chatter after that, piling their plates with food and refilling drinks. They watched videos on their phones, bickered over what music was played next and even played games.

A while later the kids came in with their empty plates and pictures they’d painted. Denny handed an updated family picture over to Hen and Karen that now included Nia, and elicited a few tears from Karen in the process. Athena gave the kid a ruffle of his hair and joked with Harry about his lack of sentimental family drawing for her- to which he replied sarcastically something about being too old for that.

Chris walked over to where Buck and Eddie were stood chatting and asked Harry to bring over his creation that he hadn't been able to carry along with his crutches. As he settled perched on the coffee table he took the object, a small cardboard box, and smiled up at Buck.

“What you got there buddy?” Eddie asked as he set down his drink.

Christopher smiled sheepishly but with some pride. “This one’s for my Buck.”

Buck’s face immediately split into a huge smile and he bent down to be eye level with his favourite little man. “Now this is what I’m talking about! These kids know how to treat me right.”

The group giggled but were intrigued to find out just what was in the makeshift box.

Chris handed it over and Buck looked up at him before stage whispering, “Do you want me to open it now?” When the boy laughed and nodded his confirmation Buck did so. His smile faltered, caught halfway between uncertainty and upset, and his eyes widened but whilst water pooled in them, nothing fell. When he spoke again his voice wavered slightly. “What’s this Superman?”

“It’s a Silver Star Medal. I made it just for you.”

Buck's gaze shot up, his face paler than before and his eyebrows screwed up in confusion or grief. “For me? But...why?”

“Because they give them out for heroes, for people who save other people. Like my dad saving those people in the war.” Chris paused and looked to Eddie. Buck risked a quick glance and saw a similar sadness on his best friend’s face. The moment was over in less than a millisecond and Chris carried on, his voice strong. “And you saved me in the tsunami. And all of those people on top of the firetruck. You were scared too but you were a hero and I wanted to give you a medal of your own.”

Someone off to Buck’s right gave a muffled weep that was quickly hidden but he didn’t dare look their way for fear of his own heartache breaking through. His heart stuttered in his chest and his throat closed around the sob that threatened to come out. His eyes stung from unshed tears and his hands shook both in shock of the gift and memories of that terrible day. He felt like he couldn’t process what was going on, couldn’t get himself to form words or even a simple thank you. Instead he lunged forward and wrapped Christopher in as tight a hug as he dared, burying his face in the boy’s neck. The act gave him the chance to hide his face as he finally let a few tears fall, as he broke down at just what Chris had done for him and the reasons he gave. Buck didn't feel like a hero, but if Chris thought he was then that mattered and it just reiterated his love for the boy. And he'd made him a Silver Star, like he knew his dad had, because he felt he was deserving of it and that was just something that sat so far deep in Buck's heart that it felt like a fire.

Eventually he pulled away and held Chris' face in his hands. "You are a wonderful young man, you know that? You're amazing, Christopher. My little Superman."

"Do you like it?"

"I-I-I don't think I deserve it, but I sure as heck love it. Thank you."

Christopher looked confused as he stared back at Buck. "What do you mean you don't deserve it?"

Buck didn't answer for a minute, trying to put into words just what he was thinking, and in a way that didn't have any unfortunate side effects or emotions. Finally, he plucked up the nerve and voiced his worries. "I lost you. You fell and I lost you. It wasn't even me that brought you back to your dad. He thought I'd lost you, rightly so because I had. And I spent all that time trying to find you and..."

"Was Marlin a hero?" Chris said suddenly.

"What?"

"Marlin? When he went after Nemo. Was he a hero?"

Buck tripped over his own tongue to answer. "Er, yeah, yeah I guess he was."

"He went all across the ocean to find Nemo. He met sharks and jellyfish and worst of all a dentist but he found Nemo in the end. And they were safe and they were happy, even though he lost Nemo at first."

Buck smiled. "So...maybe we aren't Dory. Maybe we're Nemo and Marlin?"

Christopher laughed loudly then, his head flying back. "But Buck! We kept swimming like Dory did!"

"Yeah we did!" Buck pulled Chris into another hug and kissed him atop his curls. "We sure did Nemo."

Christopher pulled back, still smiling, but Buck kept him in his arms. "I even have a defect like Nemo does!"

Without missing a beat, Buck shook his head and stroked a hand through Chris' hair. "No Chris, not a defect at all, don't ever think like that. It's your very own 'lucky fin'." 

Behind them, Buck saw Denny and Harry run off to a spare room Athena had set up as a den for them, with more games and toys than all of them needed put together. He nodded his head in the direction, "Wanna go play with the boys?"

"Are you coming too?"

Before Buck could answer, Eddie interrupted. "In a bit bud, let him finish his food off and he'll be in later, ok?"

Chris nodded at his dad and smiled at the group as he left. But Buck could barely move from his spot on the floor as he watched the boy leave.

"Buckaroo? You ok baby?" Athena was the first to speak and he saw Maddie twitch beside Chim, obviously wanting to confront her little brother.

Images flashed through his mind of that day, of the way he surfaced after the initial wave and how he desperately sought out Chris among the destruction, seeing him clinging to the post and screaming out for him. He sees the bodies float past, the blood and pain of the survivors, their own anguish at losing their own loved ones. He sees Chris vanish before his eyes in the water and he hears himself scream until his voice is no more. It's only the reminder that he is in a room full of people that saves him from the full blown spiral he was close to, a long distant memory speaking out in his mind; _you do not cry in company boy! It only serves to make other people uncomfortable, and for you to look like a weak idiot._

And so, Buck did what he did best, he wiped away the woes and hid behind a smile. "Never better. We got any cake left?"

He could feel eyes on him as he moved to the 'dessert' side of the table, shoving a strawberry into his mouth and hovering his fingers over the array of cake slices. Bobby coughed lightly behind him. "You know, we never did really discuss that day Buck..."

The only response he gave was a shrug of the shoulders, popping a blueberry into his mouth next- if he had a full mouth, he couldn't speak!

"Buck." Maddie had stalked up behind him and gently took the bowl from his hands, guiding him back to the main seating area. He tried to fight her, laughing.

"Mads, I'm fine. _It's_ fine. He just took me by surprise, is all. Leave me to my cake and fruit. How about some _Killers_ next, anything but this damn 80s Disco crap."

Chim muttered something about him _at least getting the decade right for once_ and they slowly fell back into 'normal' chatter. Buck made certain he involved himself, taking the suspicion and attention off of his situation and riling them up with his usual Buck banter and exaggerated movements. It worked. They began to forget (or, at least pretend to forget) the conversation they had wanted, diverging into crazy stories they had or any famous people they had met during calls, including some old time singer Buck had never heard of getting stuck in a tree trying to retrieve their trapped and very illegal pet Eagle. Even he almost forgot the churning of his stomach and the quickened beat of his heart as it processed the anxiety that had begun to build up, he tried to push the negative thoughts away and laughed when everyone else did, almost robotically. For a while, it worked, it was just enough of a distraction to stop him from slipping further but his hands still felt for the box beside him, still rubbed over it knowing what was hidden inside.

"Let's look." Eddie nudged his shoulder, pulling him from an encroaching thought , and nodded at the box. "I didn't get a good look at it."

Buck didn't even have chance to say anything before Eddie was opening it up and assessing the 'medal'. "He did a damn good job eh? Look at the details. I bet Harry helped him cut the star, but he definitely added the extras himself. Look, he even put a little picture in the middle, I guess it must be the tsunami."

He had noticed it when he looked before, but couldn't process the added feature. Eddie was right, in the centre of the star (which was bigger than his dad's own genuine one) was a circle that displayed a small drawing of what seemed to be a large protrusion of blue from a flatter body of blue beneath into which a long brown section ran that Buck guessed to be the pier. Eddie whistled.

"I'm jealous. Really, I am." He handed the box back to Buck and smiled at him. "He loves you, you know. His Buck."

Buck tried to smile back but was entranced by the box in his hands; hands that now shook far more than he would like them to. His breath caught in his throat and a laugh became a choked sound of anguish.

He didn't really remember getting up, couldn't recall if he said anything to Eddie as he walked away or if anyone called out to him, but the next thing he knew he was stood in the garden staring up at the darkening evening sky. He didn't feel the cool air around him but instead felt a sea of- well, sea- around him, freezing, frigid water licking his skin and stealing his breath from him. His chest tightened and suddenly it wasn't clean air he was breathing in but dirty water filling his lungs and debris scratching at his throat as it swam in his mouth. The muscles in his hands wouldn't work and he dropped whatever was in them, clenching them to try to make him feel anything but the strange tingle that had taken residence there. His leg ached like he had walked up a mountain for hours, or, as he had, through deep running water, the flow against him and pushing him to his limit. The evening sky blurred into murky waters, to distorted heaven that just wouldn't come into focus no matter how much he blinked or rubbed at his gritty eyes. The scattered toys and tools around Bobby and Athena's garden became debris and discarded parts of people's lives, swept here and lost. Just like him. Just like Chris.

A broken sob escaped him and he felt arms around his torso, holding him steady as his leg buckled just enough for the two bodies to gently sink to the ground. He let himself lean back onto the chest of whoever held him- _Bobby_ his mind supplied- and tried to breath through the images that (ironically) flooded his thoughts. He knew his breathing wasn't right, and he couldn't quite latch on to the other persons, not with so much else going on in his head, and he felt himself verging on hyperventilating. But how could he breath when his lungs were full of water?

"Buck..." The voice echoed through the crashing of the waves. "Buck!"

No. No no no. No-one else could be caught in this, he couldn't lose anyone else to this disaster.

"You...breath...Buck?...need to...come...easy...calm..." The broken words only just found their way through but he couldn't figure out what they meant, where they were coming from. He felt weird, confused. A part of him knew someone was holding him, someone strong and steadying, but his mind was still _there_ , still supplying the memory of his body clinging on to a cable as water rushed past and he was pummeled by bits of pier and cars and bodies and so he held on with all his might, his hands squeezing as tightly as he could make them. He had lost Christopher, yet he was also safe a few rooms away. He was wet, but he was dry. He could breath, but he couldn't.

"BUCK!" This voice was louder and safer, an older feel to it, something deeper and more familial. "Come on little brother."

Maddie?

"Yes! Yeah Evan, it's me. Ev, you're ok! You're alright! Come on, breath with Bobby!"

He didn't remember talking, didn't know if he even could at this point, but Maddie acted as if he had, had responded to him questioning her presence. That helped. Maddie hadn't been at the pier, she hadn't been in that area, she had been at work and would have had no reason to find Buck where he was, not like the crew could have. He latched onto that fact and focused on it. Things began to ebb away, the roaring waves became the thundering of his heartbeat in his ears, of Bobby shushing him, the rocking of the current became his own body trembling and that same strong man swaying them gently, calmly. His cold skin was no longer wet but clammy, sweat sticking to him in the cool night air and sending small bumps up and over his arms. The murky depths of the water gave way to the sky and the dim garden filled with decorative fairy lights. His hands trembled but he fumbled to latch onto something, _anything_ , that would ground him. He found Bobby's wrist, the man's watch digging into his palm, and he could feel the pulse beneath his fingers, thumping away with its own terrified rhythm on Buck's behalf. He'd scared Bobby. He'd scared Maddie.

Bobby's forehead was laid on the back of Buck's own head, his face buried into the dirty blond locks, the air ghosting over Buck's neck as his captain and friend took his own deep breaths. Buck used that too, he waited for the tickle and took his own breath in, releasing it in time with Bobby. After a few repeats, his chest eased a little and he could breath on his own.

"You with me kid?" Bobby asked, almost hesitantly. Buck tried to ignore the way his voice sounded so small and unlike the brave man he loved- as if Buck had _truly_ scared him.

He nodded. "Ye cap."

Bobby rubbed a hand over Buck's chest serving as another focal point for the young firefighter. "Do you want me to let go?"

Instantly Buck shook his head. God no, this was the only thing keeping him grounded right now.

"Ok! Just wanted to make sure. I grabbed you as you went down and then you started freaking out in my arms. I knew I should move away like protocol, even though I wanted to keep you right here with me, but you latched onto me so damn hard you made the choice for me."

It took a moment for Buck to find his voice and when he did it was raw and scratchy. "I think I thought you were a cable, a post or something."

Bobby chuckled, the sound booming deep in his chest and Buck's back. "Thanks...I think."

"Safe." Was all Buck could say. Now the images were wearing off, his shame was taking over, knowing full well he was on the ground in Athena's back yard, probably with the entire crew nearby. But the adrenaline was also taking its toll, Buck's body slowly losing energy and he seeped into Bobby's body warmth even more.

"Yeah Buck, you're safe."

Maddie put a hand on his arm and began rubbing delicate circles in a way he was familiar with from childhood.

"I'm sorry."

"What for baby?" Athena. So the crew was definitely nearby and had probably seen everything.

"For...this."

"Don't apologise for having feelings, for doing what you needed to do. I think this has been on the cards for a while."

Weirdly enough, it kind of hadn't. Somewhere in the back of his mind, his thoughts supplied him with the excuse that he had just pushed himself forward, past everything and over all the memories that could have swallowed him whole. He had compartmentalised, something he had learnt to do _a long_ time ago and had been doing all of his life. He pushed away the ladder truck incident, only vaguely flashing on images of that night on calls where limbs were trapped or crushed. He ignored the way his stomach twisted when a loud bang sounded or when a patient coughed up blood. And he had overlooked the tingle and shivers of his body when he saw large masses of water or even sometimes just when he spent a minute too long in the shower. But maybe they thought otherwise, maybe his crew, his sister, had been waiting for the ultimate breakdown.

Did they really think him so _weak_?

"You're not weak Buckaroo, you've had a lot of shit dumped on you hon, you're allowed to grieve."

Suddenly, it all came back, everything that had led to this moment and he found himself too tired to care about the filter that usually kept his deepest thoughts hidden. "But I lost him! How can he think of me as a hero when I lost him? He could have died. He could have...I had no idea where he was and I searched all night until I was ready to pass out, until my leg felt like it was going to explode and even if it did I wouldn't have stopped until I found him but I didn't...someone else did. I let go of him and he thinks I'm a hero. I lost him. I failed. Just like I fail everyone, like I lose everyone. Like I nearly lost Maddie, and Eddie. All of you with that stupid lawsuit! I didn't fight a war like Eddie. Maybe I deserve all of this shit, maybe I should just _buck up_ and shove it all away and just do the one thing I can do right in my life..."

"Evan Buckley I don't want to hear anymore of this talk. Do you hear me son?" Athena had knelt in front of him next to Maddie, a stern edge to her tone but a soft and emotional look to her features. "You are so much more than you think you are. You are a young man I am proud to call my friend, to have as a part of my family. When I hear other officers praising something they saw you do, I smile and fill with pride because I know that kid and I know damn well what he's capable of. You may have lost Chris in the tsunami but that doesn't mean you're weak or a failure. We've all slipped up, I nearly lost May, Maddie and Chim got caught up in some deep shit and there's always the patients that we feel we could have saved if we'd only done something a little different. They aren't mistakes, they aren't oversights. It's the messed up way of things that make us human. Our emotions cloud our judgements, our actions can save one person and harm another. You saved Chris when he needed it most, when those waves were blanketing our City, when he would have been washed away and lost forever..."

"And I lost him when the waters receded and could have taken him out to sea..."

Athena paused, her eyes sad.

"That was one of the worst parts, thinking we may never find his body, that Eddie would-would never..." His chest closed up again and he had to stop, his hand tightening around Bobby's wrist.

"What happened wasn't your fault Buck." Athena continued, determined to try and sedate Buck's mind and heart. "You gave him the chance to live, you brought him out of the worst of it and from the start you held on as tight as you could and as a parent that is the most important thing. You hold tight and you make sure they know you love them, and by God does Christopher know that. I see it you know, I see how much that boy loves you, just as much as he loves Eddie, as he loved his mother. You're just another guardian in his life and that medal is just one other way of him being able to show you that, to prove it to you. He understands the significance of the Star and he made it especially for you, _his_ hero! He doesn't see it any other way, he remembers that day from his side and you are the most important thing in it. As for everyone else, you haven't failed them either, not in one damn single way. We have watched you grow from an overzealous, smug, uncontrollable puppy - who we still somehow had a soft spot for - into a mature, brave, full heart on his sleeve young man that we are so proud of. You make us smile when nothing else will and you throw your own needs down the sewer just to make sure everyone else is alright. There is no-one I have ever met who I would trust my life and that of everyone I love with more than you. You are our Buck."

There was a moment of silence as people sniffled or sat on the grass a few metres away from the huddled group in the centre. Buck's eyes fell from Athena's face to a solitary blade of grass but stayed exactly where he was in his Captain's embrace.

It was Bobby who spoke first, a humorous lilt to his voice as he spoke to his wife. "You don't trust anyone more than Buck? I'll try not to take that to heart."

Athena gave him a playful hit. "Oh! You know what I mean."

Hen was next. "I mean...I _am_ your oldest friend, but also, I'll try work past it."

The women giggled and Bobby tightened his hug slightly in an affectionate squeeze. The jokes and light hearted banter helped Buck, it helped lift the attention off him, bringing the atmosphere that one step closer to the family BBQ it had started as.

"I-I suppose I do have one thing to apologise for..."

Bobby startled a little, his heartbeat jumping as it pumped against Buck's back. "What's that?"

"You made us promise no drama. That we'd have an easy evening."

"Yeah, funny how you ended up on the floor of the garden again, huh!"

"Next time Buckaroo, I fully expect you to be inebriated if you're on the floor. Ok!?" Chim winked at him with a shit eating grin.

Maddie burst out laughing. "Oh no! You _really_ don't want to see Buck full out drunk. He'll end up on the kids swing set trying to launch himself into outer space."

Eddie, of course, joined in. "Or he'll start singing Disney songs."

"Disney?" Hen sounded shocked.

"Uh huh. Blame my son. Whenever I come in and find Buck babysitting, they have some bright as hell, flowery, joyful, Disney movie on. I know which are their favourites because I'll hear Buck humming the songs as he's washing up."

There was a chorus of noises, mainly 'awww's from the women, and 'really Buck' 'come on man' from Bobby and Chim.

"It's so sweet I think my teeth just rotted in my skull." Chim jibed, earning an elbow to his side from Karen who had tears streaming down her face- though, whether it was from unbridled joy or laughter at this point no-one knew.

A new voice echoed out as the laughter peeled away, as people tried to steady their breaths and the everyday sounds of the evening took over. "Why are you all out here on the floor?"

"Hey Christopher. Come here buddy, I think your Buck would love a hug right now." Eddie helped Chris walk over to the group and sat him in the younger man's lap.

Chris looked up at Buck and gently lifted a hand to a loose curl on the firefighter's head. "You look sad."

Buck finally took one of his hands away from Bobby's wrist and wrapped it around the boy to hold him steady. He gave a tired smile and let his forehead lean up against Chris'. "I'm ok buddy."

The boy picked up the long forgotten box on the ground and looked down at it with remorse. "Was it my gift? Did it upset you?"

Buck didn't want to say 'yes', didn't want to hurt his little man's feelings but somehow this kid could sense things people couldn't even sense themselves, and he knew it was no good lying. "It did. But not because of _anything_ you did, not because you gave me it, I love it, and you, it's just...it made me remember that day and I felt bad about what happened, about myself. I was really scared and it makes me remember how much I care about the people in my life and how terrified I am of losing them."

"That just means you have to love them harder, while you still can."

Buck brought Chris in for another bear hug, the curls tickling his cheek. "I didn't think it was possible to love you harder than I already did, but I was wrong."

He broke off, holding Chris in a position not too dissimilar to the way he had on top of the firetruck, and fresh images flashed dangerously at him again. Buck blinked and took some deep breaths, focusing on the features around him, the delicacy of the flowers, the curved metal of the bench, the pink of Maddie's top, all of the things that were in the here and now, just as he was. He grounded himself just enough to calm a little but it left him with a new bout of shakes. He felt distant, not quite in his body on the grass but not quite out of it back in the sopping clothes of that day either.

He felt Chris move in his arms before drawing back and once again raising a hand to Buck's face. His voice was soft and broke through the last layer of fog that had swathed Buck's mind. "You're ok. Kid."

Clarity once again.

Buck tenderly nudged Chris' face with his own. He waited until he was certain his voice would cooperate. "You continue to astound me Superman."

"How about we get some cake and ice cream? And I'm thinking teams of Trivial Pursuit?" Hen stood up and helped Karen to her feet too, kissing her wife with a smitten smile.

"Charades!" Chris yelled, his hands flying in the air.

"Ooh, or that one where you can't say the word..." Maddie grinned.

Chim, naturally, playfully bit back. "What word?"

"The word...the-the game..."

"Maddie? Are-are we already playing _the game_?" Maddie gently shoved at Chim as they laughed.

Eddie picked Christopher up and smiled at Buck as he followed the group back inside. "Oh, I love that game Maddie. I vote 'the word game'." He was also rewarded with a playful tap from the older Buckley as they entered the house, leaving just Athena, Buck and Bobby outside. Bobby had, at some point, relieved Chris of the box and held it firm in his own hand just beside the pairs' legs.

"You ok to go back in? We can stay out here if you want kiddo." Bobby pecked Buck's temple, feeling a whole lungful of breath release from the young man. His shoulders dropped and his head rested against Bobby's.

He nodded. "Yeah. I best get some ice cream before Chris and Denny eat it all."

Athena chuckled and held out both her hands for Buck to grab. She pulled him up and into her own arms as Bobby stood up and resumed his position from behind.

It was a Buck sandwich, with the two people in his life who he considered the closest things to parents, the people he looked to for guidance, the people he craved praise and approval from (beside his big sister, of course) but people who he could also joke with, laugh with until his sides hurt. He felt safe in their embrace. He knew, as long as he was surrounded by his FireFam, by the family he had chosen, he would absolutely be ok.

"THE MUMMY!" They heard screamed from inside the house, quickly followed by arguments over the first or second movie.

"IT WAS 'THE NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM'...WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'THE MUMMY'?!?"

"Oooh boy. You sure you want to back in there Buckaroo?" Athena laughed as she started toward her living room.

"If I get to throw popcorn at Eddie, then yeah I think I can handle it."

"You throw popcorn in my house boy and you're cleaning it up!"

"Don't test her Buck, she'll drag you out of bed with a hangover at 8 in the morning and make you pick it up piece by piece." Bobby smiled at him, a smile that felt like home, and walked them inside, his hand still around Buck's shoulders.

When Buck got back inside and settled, Harry walked over to them. "I was going to do this earlier but didn't get chance."

Athena watched her son with intrigue. "I glued some bits together so you could wear the star like a necklace. It's just a loop for the back and some string."

Harry gently placed a small piece of plastic onto the back of the star where some of the card and craft material met, easily holding it all together. Through that, he strung some black cord and tied it off into a secure knot so that Buck could hang it around his neck.

Buck hugged him- there was a lot of hugs going around that night- and thanked him profusely before proudly letting it sit over his shirt, just above his heart.

Eddie scoffed. "I knew you'd wear it."

"You're just mad you didn't bring yours so we could match."

Eddie threw a kernel of popcorn at him before Athena berated him for crumbs on her couch.

Bobby leant into him and whispered. "It suits you."

And Eddie shimmied his way in-between Buck and Athena before also echoing Carla's words from earlier that week, "But, just so you know, we didn't need a medal to know you're a hero."

He'd once thought, in his neglected youth, that maybe a physical, tangible, reward would help him feel important, but in the end it was something much more special.

Looking around the room, he was surrounded by his true prize.

"ROCKETMAAAAN!" Bobby half yelled, half sang from beside him as he guessed Karen's riddled rendition of the film.

It wasn't surprising when the whole room (maybe except the children) carried on with the lyrics in a dizzy and euphoric haze.

"BURNING OUT HIS FUSE UP HERE ALONE!"

**Author's Note:**

> First off, I just want to point out IN NO WAY am I trying to take away the importance/significance of the Silver Star by letting a 'civilian' be 'gifted' one by a kid vs a soldier like Eddie acquiring it- it was just a quick moment that flashed into my head as I was seeing the gifsets of those scenes from the latest episode. I hope this didn't seem to0 stretched out or forced, as I said, I didn't plan on the panic attack but I like hurting people so...it happened! I just really love protective FireFam and 'Dad Bobby' and that moment Buck broke down on him in 'Eddie Begins' had me in bits (the WHOLE episode did!) I love Eddie too and didn't want to make Buck's breakdown take anything away from 3x15's events so I tried to mix in the idea of everything just piling on top of Buck and finally pushing him to a breaking point. I know there's been plenty of Buck PTSD/flashback fics and I love them all and I know a lot include very similar scenarios, so I apologise if it's a bit same-y (but if you're like me, you can never get enough of them!) I wrote Buck/Eddie in an ambiguous way, in a similar way the show portrays them, which hopefully pleases shippers and non shippers alike- letting you read it as you wish! 
> 
> I think that's it all. Come cry with me over 9-1-1 either in the comments or on my tumblr (SilvertonguedClotpole/ clotpoleincamelot) as well as any other fandoms we share. I hope this was ok for you, and thanks for reading!  
> <3


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